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lost at sea

February 26, 2010

As I sit here, listening to the rain fall lightly on the quiet streets, I find myself lost once again.

I lose myself more often than one might think, but it’s something I’ve grown accustomed to over the years. It usually happens during periods of personal difficulty and stress, or when I get so absorbed in the tide of worldly affairs that I get swept out to sea. This time, I think it’s a bit of both.

In seeking to define myself and my place in the world, I’ve been ripped from the shore of self-knowledge and swept out into the sea of existential dread. And in the midst of my ever present mortality, I struggle to find something to cling to.

But where is there a refuge to be found? My heart itself is a sea of contradictions that storms with the winds of emotional fury. Anger. Sadness. I want to rage against the world and cry out of compassion at the same time. Idealism. Hatred. I want to right all the world’s wrongs and I want destroy everything. Terror. Desperately gasping for air as I find myself being pulled under by currents stronger than I can endure.

What is it that I’m so afraid of? What more is there to lose than one’s self? Why do I bother screaming at the world to save me when I know that it wouldn’t even if it could? What is it that I’m looking for?

Maybe I’m not really looking for anything. Maybe there’s nothing to find. Maybe it’s in the search itself that I simply find some semblance of comfort.

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One Comment
  1. The search for a reason why we are here, what our purpose is, what life is all about…..has been my life's goal. There has been nothing more important to me, and my overactive mind would always turn to the existential questions.

    The great fear is a loss of self, of the 'I' that has become more important to us as we grow older.

    Strangely, and most extraordinarily, fear of losing the self is akin to fear of the dark; of the unknown. In actuality, to know firsthand that there is no 'self' or to begin losing that sense of self is *peaceful* beyond words.

    I used to have depression issues and also anxiety issues. These have fallen away in their entirety.

    Don't fear losing yourself. If anything, fear not losing yourself. To give away is to gain freedom from having to hold onto so tightly.

    Namaste

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